


Do You Love Me?

by phichit (eexiee)



Series: Oh, What a Feeling [4]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-06 20:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8767438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eexiee/pseuds/phichit
Summary: JJ has never heard Seunggil say he loves him and for the first time ever, JJ feels self-doubt.





	

_ Do you feel it? _

_ Do you feel it now? _

_ Want it, but you don't know how? _

_ Have it, as much as anybody ever has? _

_ I wanna wake you from your dreams _

_ I wanna know just who you're talkin' to when you're singin' in your sleep _

_ I wanna find out what it means _

_ Do you love me, love me? _

 

JJ has never really experienced self-doubt. His parents and coaches always embraced failure as part of the learning and growing processes and therefore JJ never feared failure. He was outgoing but kind, even if he did tease people a little too much sometimes, so he had nothing to worry about in terms of having friends and supporters. JJ has never wondered if he was good enough - he’s always known he was. 

But Seunggil threw him for a loop. 

Sure, Seunggil lets himself be held and kissed and taken on dates. He lets JJ fuck him and sometimes he takes control and fucks JJ right back. He gets JJ presents for the major holidays and birthdays and he lets JJ pet his dog. But JJ has never heard Seunggil say he loves him. 

JJ knows it’s probably just the way Seunggil is. He never shows much enthusiasm for most things even if he likes them, and seeing Seunggil smile is like seeing a rainbow - such a beautiful sight isn’t a rare occurrence, but it’s certainly not an everyday thing. JJ also knows he could just ask, or pester Seunggil into saying he loves JJ. But for the first time ever, JJ is scared of failure. He’s scared of pushing Seunggil too far and losing him forever. He can’t let that happen because he loves Seunggil too much. He’s so scared. 

It’s early May. JJ is taking a break after World’s - at least that’s what he says he’s been doing. Really he’s been trying to prolong his time with Seunggil. They took a week-long trip to Singapore and then Bali before going back to Seoul. Seunggil is already back on the ice and JJ knows he should be practicing too - even world champions need to practice - but he can’t bring himself to go back to Canada. He has to be with Seunggil and he feels this sense of urgency when he’s around him. It’s as if they’re running out of time, even though JJ knows that when he goes back to Canada it’ll be no more than a few months before he sees Seunggil in person again. 

“Seunggil,” JJ calls out, leaning on the wall of the rink. Seunggil’s been landing all his quads today and it hasn’t escaped JJ’s notice. 

“What?” Seunggil replies, taking no pains to skate over to JJ’s side. The way he’s been skating lately has gotten more flowy and beautiful and JJ admires the way his boyfriend moves across the ice, even if it means he’s being half ignored. 

“Sleep in my room tonight,” JJ says to him. He’d thought about phrasing it as a question, but he figured it’d come off more nonchalant the way he said it. Seunggil frowns and JJ regrets that course of action. 

“My parents are going to be there,” Seunggil reminds JJ, finally skating over to him. He stops in front of JJ and he’s still pouting. “We can’t have sex when they’re around. I told you that when I canceled your hotel reservation.”

“I know that,” JJ replies, grinning even though he’s worried about being rejected by Seunggil. “But I don’t want to have sex tonight. I just want...to sleep with you. Your parents won’t mind that, right?”

Seunggil’s expression softens but there are still small worry lines in his face, as if this conversation is causing him stress. “They don’t know about us,” he says. 

“I know that too,” JJ replies, still trying to maintain his facade of overly casual jubilance. “I understand. But they know we shared a room in Bali. Why is it different here?”

“You know why,” Seunggil frowns. JJ takes his hand and Seunggil lets him play with his fingers, but JJ’s boyfriend looks deep in thought. 

“Another time then,” JJ smiles. “It’s okay, Seunggil, we have time.”

“I know that,” Seunggil scoffs, skating away again. JJ forces a laugh. 

“I love you!” he calls in the cutest voice he can muster. 

“Yeah, yeah,” comes Seunggil’s reply, and JJ’s heart sinks a little further. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A few days later, they’re at their favorite Chinese restaurant. It’s a few blocks away from Seunggil’s apartment and they’ve been to this place six or seven times in the month JJ’s been here. Seunggil always gets the  _ jjajangmyeon  _ sauce on his cheek and JJ always wipes it off for him, but today’s got JJ feeling a little less inclined to touch Seunggil, just in case it pushes his boyfriend away. 

“My parents are going on vacation for a week. They’re leaving this afternoon,” Seunggil tells him.

“That’s nice,” JJ replies, slurping up a noodle. “Where to?”

“Does it matter?” Seunggil asks, and JJ looks up, surprised how rude Seunggil just sounded. 

“I guess not?” he tries to laugh, but it comes out sounding a little choked and he reaches for his glass of water. 

Seunggil sighs heavily and frowns again, and JJ bites his lip. Just what is he doing to make Seunggil act like this?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s almost two in the morning. They’re both sitting on the sofa, watching TV. Seunggil is leaning on JJ as their eyes start to droop. 

“Are you tired?” Seunggil asks, looking up at JJ, and JJ nods. If today was any other day, JJ would lean down and kiss Seunggil’s lips, kiss that soft spot under his jaw that always makes him melt into a mess. But today, JJ’s doubting himself. He’s still scared. So he figures Seunggil must need some alone time and that JJ isn’t part of that alone time. 

They get up, Seunggil stumbling a little on his way up. He falls into JJ for a half-second and then straightens up, looking at JJ with wide eyes. They both pause, but JJ breaks first. He turns around, and they both go into the hallway. JJ heads into his room, bidding Seunggil goodnight. 

“Goodnight,” Seunggil says without a second glance at JJ. 

JJ doesn’t know what to do. He’s never felt so unsure of himself. It honestly feels like Seunggil’s just waiting for him to go. He feels like a nuisance.

He climbs into bed after brushing his teeth. He has a solution. He can go back to Canada. He can skate and forget. Maybe he can steal Georgi’s theme of heartbreak for next season’s Grand Prix. He’ll book the ticket tomorrow. 

He should tell Seunggil. 

He gets up again, hoping Seunggil’s not asleep quite yet. But when he opens the door, Seunggil is standing there, his fist poised to knock. 

“Oh,” he says. 

“Oh,” JJ echoes. “Come on in. Couldn’t resist me, I see,” he jokes, hoping he’s coming off as his old, boisterous self. 

“Very funny,” Seunggil mutters. “But I figured...since my parents are out...sharing a bed is fine.” He climbs into JJ’s bed like he always does.

“You don’t have to.”

Seunggil sits up in JJ’s bed. “What?”

“You don’t have to just because I want you to. I want you to be comfortable too.”

“Where is this coming from, JJ?” Seunggil asks in a low voice. 

“Never mind,” JJ replies, climbing into bed too. “I’m kidding. Of course you want to.” It’s hard to say it with conviction when he’s not sure if he’s right. He takes Seunggil in his arms, even though he’s scared. It’s kind of a habit at this point; muscle memory, almost. 

“JJ…”

“I’m going back to Canada.”

“What?” Seunggil asks, and he looks up at JJ again. God, JJ will miss how Seunggil’s face feels against JJ’s chest. He’s going to miss seeing Seunggil looking at him.

“I’ve been here a long time. I need to go back and practice again.”

“Oh...yeah, true,” Seunggil says quietly. “Good idea, then.”

JJ’s never felt this much pain. He can’t bear the thought of leaving Seunggil but then again it doesn’t even seem like Seunggil wants him to stay. But he’s got to know. Since he’s leaving soon, he has to know. 

“Do you love me?”

“Huh?”

“Do you love me?” JJ repeats.

“What?” Seunggil’s voice is suddenly shaky and he sits up in bed, glaring at JJ. So this is it then. “How can you ask me that?”

“I need to know if you ever loved me. Before I go.”

Seunggil looks so angry and it’s scaring JJ a little. He’s never looked like this before. 

“Are you dumping me?” he demands, and suddenly tears are streaming down his cheeks. “How can you even ask if I loved you after all this…”

“I just want to know!” JJ sits up too. “You never said it to me, no matter how -”

“OF COURSE I LOVED YOU, you dumb FUCK,” Seunggil sobs. “I still love you, why are you doing this?”

“Wait…” JJ mumbles, reaching for Seunggil’s hands. “You do?”

“Why the hell would I have let you kiss me and fuck me and take me out on dates? Why would I share a bed with you and go on a fucking  _ vacation _ with you if I didn’t love you? I even sent my parents on a vacation so you and I could have this week to ourselves! You’re an  _ idiot. _ ” He’s crying still as he knocks his head into JJ’s chest. “You really couldn’t tell this entire time?”

“Well...you never said it before,” JJ replies sheepishly. 

“Do I have to say everything explicitly for you to understand?” Seunggil complains into JJ’s chest. “It’s hard for me to say stuff like that.” JJ pulls him close, finally happy again. They fall back into the bed and JJ strokes Seunggil’s hair gently. 

“Sorry I freaked you out. I’d like to hear you say it once in a while though. If that’s possible for you.” He pulls Seunggil’s chin up so that their lips can meet and JJ kisses away Seunggil’s tears, squeezing him tight. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Seunggil replies without hesitation. JJ kisses him again and sighs with relief. 

“Good.”

Seunggil is extra snuggly as they drift off to sleep, and JJ’s glad that he doesn’t have to wonder anymore. Seunggil loves him, and that’s all JJ needs to feel like a king.

**Author's Note:**

> Still trash. Still trash. I don't know if I'll ever stop writing this pairing.
> 
> Find me at Twitter @unlockexie or Tumblr u/n zhoumimis.


End file.
